It usually starts with a good feeling. Something reminds me of you, and I remember when we were friends. The gut wrenching void of your absence usually hits right after that and I miss you something fierce. Sometimes it almost knocks the wind out of me. I’m not sure if “friends” is a strong enough word for what we used to be. We were never a “couple.” We never dated. There were times, though, when we were damn near inseparable.
Sometimes when I think of you I wonder what I am to you now. We don’t hang out anymore. We don’t see each other, call each other, or send email. We’re not even “friends” on Facebook. Do you remember me? If so, do you remember me well, or has time changed how much I used to mean to you? Did I fade out of existence? Do things sometimes remind you of me and cause you to feel a gut wrenching void? Are you sad that we aren’t in each others lives anymore? Are you happy that we had those years together?
Recently I made the Decision that I don’t want to miss you anymore. I don’t want to feel sad about a perceived lack, because you’re still here with me. You’re in my heart and in my memory. I am going to be happy that I know what real love feels like. Some people never know. When I started thinking of this post I realized how many amazing friendships I’ve experienced in my life so far. It’s overwhelming. I’ve stopped letting the feeling of loss and lack stay with me, though. I’ve started training myself to automatically fill the void with appreciation for the memories. I don’t let myself dwell on your absence. Instead I appreciate what was so magical about our friendship.
With you I could be myself – completely and without apology – although I used to apologize a lot because I can be quite a dumbass. 😉 You were my lighthouse, my rock, my safe haven. You were honest, supportive, accepting, and stable, even when I went completely off the rails. With you I had certainty, trust, and a sense of security in a crazy – often cruel – world. You held my hand, protected my heart, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and often knew what I needed before I had a clue. It wasn’t one-sided. I had my moments. I listened when some stupid woman took you for granted, when your car wasn’t cooperating, and when you felt lost sometimes, too. We weren’t always serious, either. We had a lot of fun over the years. Thankfully, you shared my sense of humor and laughed about some ridiculous things with me.
Because of you, I survived some of the most difficult times of my life. Even now, so long after our last contact, I can close my eyes and feel the way I did when you were right beside me. I can hear your voice, remember your words, see the love in your eyes, and feel stronger because of who I was when I was with you. I’m still better than I realize, like you often told me, although I can see it for myself now, and I’m finally starting to believe you.
Thank you. Wherever you are, whoever you are now, and whatever you think of me, I hope that every time I think of you and appreciate you and send you my love, you see, feel, or think of something amazing.
Je t’aime mon ami, toujours.
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