I do not have children. I do not want children. With rare exception, I do not even like children.

I understand that some people love them. I get that some people want to bang out as many of the things as they possibly can. Sadly, it seems as if most people simply have a few by default.

It’s almost as if most people give more thought to what they will eat for dinner or what television to purchase than they do to whether or not they decide to bring a person into the world.

I hate that. I really fucking hate that.

If you love kids, if you want kids, and if you have the resources available to support your kids, then I’m basically okay with you having kids. If the circumstances are right, I may even be happy for you. If that is the case, I must also admit that there is a chance I might think your child is adorable and I will act like a goofy idiot when I see it. Don’t talk to me about environmentalism, though. Don’t expect me to like your kids, or to care about them beyond a basic, general desire to see all people live their best possible life. Whatever you do, though, don’t tell me why your decision to reproduce makes you a better person than me, or say that I will change my mind and wish for babies someday.

It took time for me to get to where I am now regarding reproduction. I went through several stages to get here. Like many processes, the stages weren’t clear-cut, and they didn’t necessarily happen in order, one right after the other. But there were 5 general phases I can now define that I traveled through to get to who I am now as a non-parent. I’ve seen several people go through similar stages, so I’m going to talk about them like they’re a Thing. Because I am not an expert, I can say whatever the fuck I want about it on my blog. My opinion is just that. I’m not claiming to know anything special or to say that I’m right or someone else is wrong or anything like that.

Mostly, I want to support and encourage those of you who are out there in the world, thinking you’d rather rip out your eyeballs with a rusty fork than to reproduce. I want you to know that you do not have to reproduce and you are not alone. There are many of us, silently (and Loudly!) who are on your side. Your “coming out” might be difficult, should you choose to proclaim your childfree status. You may opt to side-step the issue and to lie about it to avoid conflict. I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve felt (and still sometimes feel) as if it would be more socially acceptable to say that I am homosexual than to say that I am childfree. My heart hurts a bit for those of you who are both homosexual AND childfree. For those of you who fit this description, and are out in the open with it, I applaud you and I kind of think you are a bit of a superhero.

Times are changing. Same-sex marriage is becoming legal and accepted in more and more places. And I encounter more people now who are openly childfree. I support them proudly, and I rarely hide my childfree status anymore, when it is brought up. As always, I encourage everyone to carefully consider their reproductive options prior to becoming a parent.

With all that said, here are the stages I went through, and the basic beliefs I held in each:

1. Someday I will have kids.

When I was little, I thought that people grew up and had kids. I also believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, so I was not a reliable source of Life Information. I simply thought it was the way life worked.

2. Eww, someday I will have kids.

As I learned to test theories and to think for myself, I realized that the idea of having kids was very unappealing to me for many reasons. I didn’t think that NOT having them was a viable option, though. I thought it was something I was going to be required to do at some point in my life.

During this time, I learned about friends who were born into families where they were not wanted. I listened while some of them told horrific stories of abuse and neglect. I held more than one friend who cried when he told me that his mother yelled at him and said he was nothing more than a terrible mistake.

This was also the time when I learned about sex, birth control, abortion, and adoption.

3. I don’t think I want to have kids … is that an option?

After I got married, and the shit started to become a real possibility, I began to hate the idea of having kids. It was then I realized that I didn’t think I was going to do it. Ever.

IMPORTANT NOTE: In case you are as stupid as I was at the time, this is seriously something that should be discussed, in depth, and agreed upon PRIOR to getting married. Hopefully, you aren’t in this situation now. Or, if you haven’t gotten to that point yet, Please Do NOT put yourself in such a situation.

As I began to ponder my options, I wondered if it was okay to admit that the thought of having kids had never appealed to me. I saw more and more of my friends and the girlfriends and / or wives of my friends get pregnant and have babies, or not. I started associating with people much older than me, and listening to how they talked about their kids and their lives. And I Decided that having children was NOT for me.

4. I do NOT want to have kids and I am VERY ANGRY when people act like this choice is not okay.

For many years after the clearly inevitable divorce, I was So Angry! I railed against anyone and anything that even suggested that I “should” reproduce. I joined ChildFree forums and read article after article about people who chose not to have children. I argued with people on the Internet day and night. I stayed in this phase for a very long time. Sometimes I slip back there, but I’m mostly calm about it now. Mostly. I’m not quite sure why, but the song “Daughters”  is still capable of sending me into a rage sometimes.  I can usually just ignore it or change the station.

5. Not having kids is a part of who I am and I will no longer fret about, apologize for, or explain it.

Finally, I arrived at the place where I am most of the time now. Not having kids is a part of who I am and I will no longer fret about, apologize for, or explain it, unless I am talking to someone who genuinely wants to understand my point of view. I don’t question my choice, or wonder if it’s “okay” or not. Because it is MY life, and my life does not include incubating a person in my body. Unless I’m brain dead or comatose, in which case, “Fuck You, whoever is using my body against my wishes! You are Sick and Disgusting, and I hope you die in a fire.”

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