Several years ago, a friend and I had a discussion about those supposedly “feel-good” types of posts and stories about people who “managed to find happiness despite terrible circumstances,” and how awful we felt about them. Granted, I am quite certain that we both had clinical depression at the time, but that isn’t the point. The point is how we both felt like such shit because, hey, if people who didn’t even have legs were blissfully happy, what the fuck was wrong with us – with all we had going for us – that we were so damn miserable?!

This is a running theme I’ve kept with me for most of my life. It’s popped up time and time again and I think I’m finally catching on. The last time it hit me in the face, it knocked me on my ass. Big Time.

Shortly after Cory Monteith and Lee Thompson Young died last year, I was having a discussion with my mom about people who seemed to have everything, yet were depressed and / or suicidal (or just plain “stupid”). I found myself feeling an incredible (and scary!) solidarity with them. While I know every situation is different, I felt as if I was speaking for them as I explained to her how difficult it “must be” to be the type of person that people look up to – the type of person who seems to “have everything.” I told her in hypothetical words, but they were mine, too. I’d later give it a lot of thought and take off further into the slow spiral I was already in, building momentum until I spun almost completely out of control …

Seriously! If people could live in cardboard boxes, eating only moldy garbage (on a GOOD day), shitting on the street, and still be happy, what the FUCK was wrong with me that I wasn’t dancing a fucking jig every bliss-filled day of my fucking life!??!

I figured it out.

In my case, it was the guilt that was crushing me. Yes, I’d read the amazing quote that I’ve loved for years and years, and thought I understood:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

— from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

 
I thought I’d read it and understood it just fine. But I didn’t own it. Not yet. Although I am moving closer and closer as time goes by, it still isn’t me. Yet.

You see, I keep listening to the bullshit. I keep hearing people talk about how “life is hard,” and how people “must pay their dues,” and “work hard,” before they can enjoy life … Well, you know what? Fuck That.

Yeah.

Fuck . That .

I’m not earning shit. I’m not going to kill myself to feel worthy of the beautiful fucking sunrise I saw the other day out my kitchen window, with that amazing view of the mountains in front of it. I’m not sending a check to some Master of the Universe for the sunshine I enjoyed the other day, either. All of that air I’m breathing? It’s MINE. And I’m not going to feel guilty for being born with amazing genetics that gave me naturally beautiful hair and an eye color that many people envy.

I remember when I was trying to become a Christian back in 2007. The pastor was explaining how there is nothing a person can do to “earn” God’s grace and forgiveness. How we’re all “worthy” because Christ died for us and “made us worthy,” and all we had to do was accept it.

Well, you know what? I think I get it now. Just like I knew the “clean your plate because there are people starving in Africa” lie was bullshit. The food on my plate (or in the garbage, if I couldn’t finish it) was NOT going to be sent to a starving person. I didn’t take it from anyone, either. I didn’t go to Africa and take someone’s dinner, then waste it. My not eating that food had nothing to do with anyone in another country.

Sure, we can argue about the “butterfly effect,” and talk about how everything is connected and whatnot, but we’re not doing that right now. We’re talking about abundance. We’re talking about how there is enough for everyone, and how many people don’t believe it and suffer needlessly.

It’s a very common theme in Abraham-Hicks talks. My discomfort does not serve anyone. If I refuse to exercise and get my body in shape because I’m worried that I’ll “make” overweight people feel bad, I’m only contributing to the misery. If I don’t drive a nice car because I’m afraid that I didn’t suffer enough to “earn” it, who does that help? Maybe my mechanics, because they make money on the repairs. Maybe. Or maybe some kid will see my nice car and think, “someday I will have a nice car!”

In making some realizations, acknowledging some ideas, and talking to many people who know me, I’ve gotten closer to my goal of “living” that Marianne Williamson quote. I’m learning that a lot of people enjoy seeing me succeed. I’m learning that I’m not stepping on people when I elevate my life. More often than not, I am elevating people with me, and that gives me immense joy. I love to see other people succeed. I love to see people win big, realize their dreams, break free from bad habits, win awards, buy new things that they love – even if other people hate them for it.

I’m learning that, when people are jealous of me, it isn’t my problem. If people hate me because I aced a test that I didn’t study for, or if they think I’m a bitch because I’m friends with someone Amazing who won’t give them a second glance, it isn’t my problem. If I competed with someone for a job and “won,” it’s probably because there is something better available to the person who did not get it – or some lesson that one of us is about to learn.

By now I’m sure we’ve all heard the analogy of being on a plane and putting the oxygen mask on the child next to you before putting on your own mask … No, wait! That’s not it at all! It’s “put the mask on yourself, THEN help the person near you.”

It’s even in the bible! Matthew 7:3-5
New International Version (NIV)

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Tend to your business first. Take care of yourself first. Be Selfish. There isn’t anything wrong with being selfish! Change that thinking right now! If you’re not taking care of yourself first, you don’t have much good to offer anyone else. If you’re tired, out of shape, and unhappy, you are not making the world a better place. In fact, you are probably being a dick! You are probably grouchy and miserable, and contributing only to the misery of others.

When I was trying to be miserable so other people could feel better, it did not work. I went to a job I disliked and I was a dick to people. Now that I’m taking radical steps to take care of myself first, I’m damn near unrecognizable! I laugh – a lot. I smile – constantly. I look people in the eye and I talk to people who are usually ignored. I see them, and I acknowledge them, and they feel it. I’m turning into one of those people who lights up a room just by walking into it.

Some people think I’m turning into a selfish bitch. Maybe I am. Or maybe they’re pissed off because they know I’m doing things they are perfectly capable of doing but don’t do, for whatever reason. Maybe I’m shining a light on their shortcomings by succeeding. I’m not intentionally pointing to them and saying, “you suck and I’m Awesome!” Not even if it seems like it sometimes.

Truth be told, I do intend to shine a light on the shortcomings of others. I want to say, “hey, this is what’s hurting you. Don’t do this anymore.” I want them to realize that they don’t have to hurt. I want them to feel okay with where they are, yet know that there is more available to them.

I want people to do, be, and have great things, without feeling guilty about it. I want to stop seeing movies about pretty people being “bad guys,” and about wealthy people being terrible.

I’m not kidding! How many movies are there about underdogs who rise, victorious, in the end, crushing the “evil people” who were successful before them?

Let’s see some more movies about people succeeding without crushing anyone else. Let’s hear about successful people who inspire others to become successful and how they inspire more people. Stop obsessing over the news. Stop hating celebrities for being miserable. Watch Undercover Boss and Secret Millionaire and watch how much fun it is to be successful and to be able to give more to other people by having more, yourself.

Start realizing that, just because someone has working legs, or a perfect smile, or unimaginable bank balances, or a mansion on a beautiful beach, doesn’t mean he or she MUST be happy. Realize that happiness usually means different things to different people. Find out what happiness means to you and go fucking get it. You just might inspire someone else to do the same.

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