Breathtaking Bouquets of Bullshit

I don’t like receiving flowers.  Even if they’re breathtakingly beautiful, I don’t want them.

There are a lot of reasons for this.

Bugs, for one.  My last big gnat infestation came from a well-meaning friend’s gift of adorable tiny roses with a side of gnats.

The fact that my cat might eat them is another top reason.  I only have two rooms that my cat isn’t permitted in, and I don’t want them full of plants that I didn’t choose.

The main reason that I don’t like receiving flowers, plants, or other living things, is that they die.  Yes, I know that everything dies.  I’m just not good with death, and I intentionally limit my exposure to it.  If another living thing is coming into my house, I want to decide what it is.  Chances are, it’s going to be with me for a while.

Cut flowers are a lot like lies to me.  Sure, most people (women, in particular) seem to love them.  They look nice on the surface, and the intentions are often honorable.  Flowers die and wither.  Lies give way to truth.

The two people currently in my life that I confide in have been telling me for months that they believe in me and that they understand and support my entrepreneurial endeavors.  They both said they were supportive of my taking time off of having a traditional job, that they didn’t think I needed one, and that they “knew” I would succeed financially without one.

It sounded great, but something was a bit off about it.  They were both handing me breathtaking bouquets of bullshit!  Pretty words they thought I wanted to hear, but didn’t believe.

Both of them were THRILLED when I recently accepted a job offer and confused about why I wasn’t jumping for joy.

What . The . Fuck . Over ?

The flowers died.

I understand that people are different.  I understand that they both want me to be happy.  And I understand that neither of them have a fucking clue what happiness means to me, even though I THOUGHT I explained it to them well enough, and they said they understood.

I believe in honesty above just about everything else.  There are times, however, when it feels necessary to let some shit go.  This is one of those times.

I felt extremely hurt and betrayed by both of them at first, and I’m not going to bother to try to explain it to them, again.  Mostly because it’s my problem, not theirs.  I’m sure they both meant well.

I’m also sure that, when they both keep expressing such joy in my devastating failure, they are just completely fucking clueless that I see it that way.  (I know.  I said it’s not a failure.  I’m still working like hell to get that reframe to stick.  But, in my gut, I am still a little sick about going back to a 9 – 5.)

The point is, I feel like they both gave me flowers.  I kind of thought that was the case at the time, then having them both so overjoyed when I got what I didn’t want tells me I was right.

It’s challenging for me to stay out of negativity right now.  I almost want to slip into old habits and whinge and complain about not having close friends anymore who understand me.  So I’m going to flip it.

I appreciate that I’ve had the experience of having people in my life who understood me.  I appreciate the people who spent years loving me and being honest with me.  I’ve had friends who would tell me that they thought I was a little nuts, but that they were excited to see what I would do with myself.  People who wouldn’t celebrate something I felt was defeat, but would, instead, tell me they understand that I’m a little disappointed and sad, and that they still love and believe in me.

What I want to hear right now is the truth, from someone who cares enough to say it:

Hey, Lex, I know you tried hard, and I know you feel like you failed, but you did more than a lot of people have done.  You gave it a shot and you learned, so much, during your time off.  Now, even though you’re going back to something you thought you’d escaped, you’re going back with clear eyes, a more educated mind, and a stronger, more optimistic heart.  You aren’t the same person that you were 4 years ago, or 4 months ago.  It will be a completely different experience this time.

I, personally, don’t know if I believe it’s possible for people like us to make good money without having a 9 – 5 job.  However, I know you think it’s possible, and I trust you.  I’m excited to see what you come up with, because you’re probably going to blow my mind, again.

Don’t give up.  And don’t think, for one second, that I’m happy for you right now.